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Bloviate - words, lots of words...
What Would Jesus really do?
by anonymous

This came to me from a pastor friend of mine and it made me think. Some may not agree with what is said, so read the disclaimer. ;-)

Warning: if you are easily offended, religiously self-righteous, or have a mullet haircut please proceed with caution. The following is a disorganized stream of consciousness rant on John 2:1-11 from a deeply troubled young man who has just turned 30 years of age and is struggling with how to live forth the now infamous Christian mantra “What Would Jesus Do” and make 180 gallons of wine in one day, just like Jesus did at my same age.

Pastor Mark,
Mars Hill

I have always believed that one of the greatest arguments for the divine authorship of the Bible was its’ content. Who in their right mind would write this stuff? God makes all things, and then makes one person, a man named Adam. Though Adam is technically perfect, it is still not good for him to be alone. The Bible never tells us why, exactly. Maybe he would never find his remote control, or he would forget to pick the trash up from around the garden of Eden and the place would have liked like a fraternity that had been flopped in for eternity without a hint of one spring cleaning. Whatever the case, God creates a woman who is beautiful, sinless and naked. Adam meets the woman and recognizes his life has just taken a turn for the better and sings her a song, presumably to help her get in the mood. Their marriage is then consummated and the Bible should end with two chapters right there with the man and woman naked, perfect, and happy. Most men have been trying to get back to that moment ever since.

But, the man and woman sin against God, bring a curse upon themselves and all of creation because they believed the lies of a talking serpent that had been a proud angel who was kicked out of heaven. They have two boys, and before long one boy has killed the other. From there carnage and death ensue and people grow so wicked God floods the earth, killing nearly everyone and starts over with another guy named Noah who ends up being a decent guy who has a bad day, gets drunk and passes out naked in his tent.

As time rolls along God also works through a cowardly old man named Abraham who is happy to whore out his loving wife to avoid conflict. God also rises up a guy named Jacob who’s a trickster and con man. Later comes a murdering rebellious stutterer named Moses. A king named David is raised up and becomes an adulterer and murderer. His son is named Solomon and redefines addiction with more wine, women and money than any guy could possibly know what to do with, though he gave it a good Heffner-esque run. This brief list doesn’t even include the list of prophets like Ezekiel whom God told to cook a meal over his own feces, Hosea who married a prostitute, Jeremiah who cried all the time or any of the freaks on cable television right now talking about Geeeeezuz with their wives who, by grace alone, are not naked like Eve.

And to top it all off, God comes to earth. God comes and has a mom, dad, curfew, and brothers who likely pummeled him frequently. God goes through puberty and has that weird vocal transition where in the course of one syllable a young man can sound like Barry White and Cindy Brady without taking a breath in between. God comes hiding in human flesh and, according to Isaiah the prophet, he’s a regular looking guy who never got “most likely to be God” or “most likely to be a supermodel” in high school. In sum, nobody knows exactly who this guy is. Sounding like a Springer episode, He’s born to a teenage virgin in an animal stall. And he grows up with a blue-collar dad in a dumpy rural hick town and has a freak of a cousin named John who lives in the woods and eats bugs and sugar.

Around age 30 Jesus takes a few of his cousin John’s students as his own and doesn’t say too much, but hangs out with them. They like him enough to grab a few others and at this point in the story God is 30 years of age and a classic underachiever with about five guys he kicks around with, though he doesn’t have a wife, any kids, a stable career, or much of a home.

But, apparently God is fun to hang with because he and his boys get invited to a wedding. A weeklong wine and dance party to celebrate some lucky guys attempt to get back to a Genesis 1 & 2 kind of life. This would be the first of Jesus many parties. Jesus doesn’t seem to work as much as he does wander and look for parties. The constipated religious leaders of His day accused Him of being a drunkard, glutton, and guy who always hung out with the wrong kind of people – the class sluts like Mary, crooked mafia types like Matthew, and the kids who were always huffing glue in shop and smoking cigarettes just off school property at their lunch break wearing black concert t-shirts and sporting timeless mullet haircuts (Matthew 11:19). To the religious leaders Jesus was a scandal, a religious leader who’s followers were felons and every time you see him he’s got a glass of wine in one hand and a bucket of hot wings in the other while he’s telling jokes and being the life of the party.

If only we could live up to his reputation we may actually get invited to some parties with lost people one day and get close enough to talk to one of them and have God penetrate their darkness and cause them to stop being drunken glue huffing chain smoking slutty electric guitar playing mullet-headed extortionists.

But, enough ranting for today.

Jesus shows up at this wedding and begins his ministry. God comes to earth. And he kicks things off as a bartender. The poor kids getting married had run out of wine and would face humiliation with their friends and family. So Jesus mom, Mary, comes and asks her son God to do something about it.

And, in an ironic twist of fate He takes six large stone jars that held water used for ceremonial washing and cleansing. Jesus then has them filled with water. Not for cleansing and religious purification. But, so that He can turn that water into wine. Not the cheap wine named after a bird or handgun that you and your buddies got lit up on in junior high, but good wine. Fine wine. The kind of wine with a foreign name you can’t pronounce because you went to public school all your life.

And the Bible says this is how the sovereign eternal God of the universe made His glory known.

And years later Paul says the message of Jesus sounds like foolishness and many people will trip over Jesus.

Wonder why?